Adventures Of The Masked Waiter
Sunday, February 01, 2004
And now I find myself typing in the last entry on this blog. I hope this blog has been educational (for all you waiters as well as non-tipping scum), inspiring (I tried my best with my creative rhymes and puzzles), but above all I hope that this blog has been fun to read. Thanks for all your emails and links. I`m sure the superhero in me will never be gone…stay tuned for the updates…
Saturday, January 31, 2004
I passed on all my syringes and my scum hit-list to the other delivery driver. He`s more than competent to take over from where I left off. However he seems to be less lenient than myself, he doesn`t agree with giving scums 3 chances before adding them to the list. He`ll soon find that his list will be too much to handle and he`ll be too busy to take action against so many one time offenders.
Tonight I want to give a mention to all those who have given me a mention and linked me on their own blog sites. You are all extremely intelligent and have exquisite taste! Those brilliant sites to check out are:

Friday, January 30, 2004
There were some bratty kids who were throwing snowballs at passing cars. Whenever they hit a car and it stopped, they would run off and come back to do the same again minutes later. Something needed to be done otherwise there would be an accident. So I parked my car nearby and put on my self-made mask. Then when they were busy making the snowballs I crept up to them unaware, and rushed them squirting my bottled urine at them. They ran covered in my piss and never came back. As I ran back to my car I really felt like a superhero. I`m sure my intervention had prevented a death. The Masked Waiter did good!
Thursday, January 29, 2004
I would like to commend those who have tipped me in the past. I have always done my best to reward your generosity. I would love to publish my list of good tippers on this blog but it would be longer than the blog itself, plus it wouldn`t make very interesting reading to you.
I finished off the rest of my superglue on a scum who not only doesn`t ever tip but always asks us to give him his free can of beer. You see, I once didn`t give him his beer thinking that he wouldn`t know but the bastard phoned up the manager and complained. So I decided to give him a visit tonight and put superglue on his car windscreen. A tip for you wannabes, don`t do this on a night that they`re ordered from you otherwise they could figure out who did it!
With the recent spate of superglue on windscreens in this area, I wonder what the pigs make of it all?

Wednesday, January 28, 2004
I`m counting down my last days at the restaurant but that doesn`t mean any slacking as the Masked Waiter. If anything I am determined to get even with all those scums for the final time. I won`t get another opportunity after this weekend.
A scum ordered a delivery tonight and I squirted urine all over her door handle as well as her car door handle. And her food? Well you should know me by now!
Tuesday, January 27, 2004
Hell yeah, I got the job! I went for my second interview today and was told to start next Monday. I will be working as a trainee assistant at the publishers of a Chinese newspaper based over here. The pay isn`t much better than at the restaurant but it`s only a starting salary and I hope to work my way up. I only regret that my dad couldn`t see me get this job, I never amounted to anything in his eyes.
I gave my week`s notice tonight and I will be working my last week at the restaurant. Although I am over the moon at moving on, there was also a feeling of loss. I have spent the best part of my youth at this place. There have been good times as well as the bad. Plus it gave rise to the Masked Waiter. I guess that this will be my last week as the Masked Waiter and my last week on this blog. Don`t think you scums are safer now, there are many successors to my crown.

Monday, January 26, 2004
Time for another waiter joke, you`ll like this one.
A man in a restaurant orders the house special. An old waiter brings out the order beginning with some hot soup. The customer notices the waiter has his thumb in the soup. Feeling sorry for the old man he doesn't mention it, and leaves the soup uneaten. When he brings the main course his thumb is in the potatoes. Then in the coffee. Finally, he angrily asks the waiter why he has his thumb in all his hot food. The waiter says, "I have arthritis and the doctor told me to keep it in something warm." The customer says, "Why don't you stick it up your ass!" And the waiter says , "I do that in the kitchen!"

Sunday, January 25, 2004
Thank you Kai for this email:

Best of all wishes on that call back interview! Please be sure you let your faithful fans know how you fare.

I have my follow up interview on Monday and I`ll let you guys know the outcome. I`ve called my mate who arranged the interview and I promised to treat him to a meal whether I get the job or not. I just wish I had been more open with my friends in the past. I guess there was nothing to be ashamed of.

Saturday, January 24, 2004
Thanks to Marissa for emailing me the site with the solution to the missing pound puzzle (see January 20th entry). This is the solution:
The initial charge was £30. It should have been £25, so £5 must be returned and accounted for. £3 was given to the 3 diners and £2 was kept by the waiter, there you have the £5. The trick to this riddle is that the addition and subtraction are done at the wrong times to misdirect your thinking. Each of the 3 friends did indeed pay £9, not £10, and as far as the friends are concerned, they paid £27 for the night. But we know that the manager will tell us that they were charged only £25 and when you add the £3 returned with the £2 kept by the waiter, you come up with £30.
Sorry for any headaches I`ve caused!

Friday, January 23, 2004
Happy new year to you all! It`s the Chinese new year today, the year of the monkey. I get asked how to say happy new year in Chinese every year so please make the effort to remember this! It`s KUNG HEI FAT CHOI. There, you can impress the waiter next time you visit your local Chinese.
I got a call from the publishing company this afternoon asking for a second meeting. A good start to the year!

Thursday, January 22, 2004
I got the table from hell tonight. Usually you find there is one rude jerk on a table, but to find 4 is just downright unlucky. Unlucky for them that is! First there was the stuck up woman who asked to try the wine and then said “well it`s drinkable!” Well the Perrier water you ordered was also drinkable even though I spat in it. Then the other woman kept calling me over when I was busy serving some other table. She expected me to drop everything and tend to her needs straightaway. I got some attitude from her when I politely raised my hand to indicate that I would be over soon. Their boyfriends decided to start throwing food and bits of broken chopsticks at each other. Very grown up! So I quickly went into the toilet before serving their meal and stuck my finger up my arse. Then I went into the kitchen and took out their plates making sure I wiped my finger on the middle of their plates. Don`t worry, I washed my hands thoroughly afterwards before serving the decent customers.
Wednesday, January 21, 2004
I went for my interview for the job at the publishing firm this afternoon (see entry on January 13th). It was more of an informal chat than an interview. When we got to the question about my work experience I just gave an honest answer and told him I had only been a waiter. I don`t know if I got the job, I doubt it but we shall know within the week.
Thanks for the tip number 40, you are off the hit list as of today. Luckily I didn`t do anything to your meal tonight. I didn`t know you were going to break your habit of never tipping and I added a pound onto your bill. I will make it up to you by giving you a bottle of wine next time.

Tuesday, January 20, 2004
I saw this conundrum on the tv this morning and it is still baffling me:
3 men ask for the bill after a meal at a restaurant and discover it is for £30. They decide to split it equally and so each contribute £10. However, the manager realises that the waiter has made an error and that the bill is actually £25 so he asks the waiter to return £5 to the 3 diners. The waiter is quite sneaky and doesn`t tell the gentlemen the truth; instead he gives each of them £1 change and pockets the £2. So the 3 diners have each paid £9 which means the meal cost £27. The waiter has pocketed £2 so what happened to the missing £1?
Email me if you know and I will share it with the readers.

Monday, January 19, 2004
I received another email yesterday. It reads:

I stumbled across your site today and LOVE IT. I was a server for many years before having my daughter and would have loved to have something like your site to read while I was dealing with non-tipping and unappreciative scum, to use your word. Waiting tables in the southern United States meant slaving away for loads of trailer park living, ranch dressing loving, sweet tea slurping, food all over the floor spilling, non tipping, rude jerks. Thanks for giving me a laugh, and carry on with avenging, you masked hero. :)

Thanks Melissa, it`s emails like yours that give me a purpose. I`m not just doing what I do for myself. That`s why I started this blog, to spread the fear. It`s great to hear from another waiting colleague. I bet it has made you a better tipper and also more considerate to others. For this reason I believe all students should have to wait tables as a part of their education. It is also a good character builder and teaches people respect and discipline.
Rude scum beware! There is discontentment among the servers and the revolution is starting.

Sunday, January 18, 2004
McDonalds have got a new commercial highlighting their cleanliness. Yeah right! My first job was at McDonalds and I can tell you stories that would put you off their burgers for life. Food which was dropped on the floor was used. The water used to wash the burger-making equipment was so dirty you couldn`t see your hands when immersed. I used to get a lot of attitude from the customers there so I couldn`t give a hoot about the state of their burgers. I guess that`s where I first learned about staff spitting in scums` food.
Saturday, January 17, 2004
There were so many non-tipping scum on my delivery rounds tonight that I had to refill my syringe with urine several times. I ended up spilling some on my trousers! I hope no-one noticed the smell! Memo to self; get some disposable gloves from the petrol garage on your next visit. Piss-stained fingers still stink after several washes!
Friday, January 16, 2004
Things that piss me off:
1. Rude scum.
2. Non-tipping scum.
3. Customers that come in minutes before closing time and then sit for a couple of hours.
4. People who chat for ages before even opening their menu. Please order first and then chat later!
5. Scum who finish off a dish completely and then complain that it tasted terrible. I think they`re trying to pull a fast one!
6. People whose mobile phones keep going off through their meal. Have some consideration for the other diners!
7. Lazy buggers who only live across the road from the restaurant yet ask for their order to be delivered.
8. People who order a set meal and then want to change every dish on it.
9. Scum who say that they`ll never come back and then... you`ve guess it!

Thursday, January 15, 2004
Be warned, I am not alone! A site called has been brought to my attention. The site isn`t completely finished as of today but the manifesto is definitely worth a read. Also appreciate being on your list of links. I look forward to hearing about your adventures stateside.
Wednesday, January 14, 2004
A message for the scum that lives at number 28. If you`d just let me add on the £1 onto your bill and didn`t say anything about it I probably wouldn`t have done anything to your food. But you had to check the total like the tight scumbag that you are and then you made the error of asking for the £1 to be returned immediately. Now that I know you always check your bill, I have no alternative but to squirt urine into your food. And not just in the one dish but in all the boxes, including the pots of sauces too. Well, seeing as you`re so thorough I guess I should be too!
Tuesday, January 13, 2004
I got a call from my friend and he had arranged a job interview for me next tuesday with his contact at a publishing firm. Though it all sounds quite good I`m not expecting anything to come out of this. You see I`ve been let down so many times before that I`ve evolved to have this pessimistic attitude.
Monday, January 12, 2004
I got an email from a reader called Laura a few days ago. I appreciate any email I get as I`ve only got 4 so far, and one of them was junk mail! Anyway, here`s the email plus my response:

hey there,
um...i guess i'm not shocked (per se) by the goings on from behind the curtains in restaurants. such is life. i've friends who have told me similar (if not quite so extreme/frequent) stories of revenge.
BUT! i really want to understand how you define the scums deserving of the sickness brought by you. i agree that some people are chock full of cash, and are just purposefully shitty to folks in the service industry...but what about the people who are actually barely affording lunch, and make a big point to show the utmost of respect for you or whomever might be serving them?
i've unfortunately been in the position where i can't tip and i make a point of showing my shame for that. i also make a point of being ultra kind to the people serving me, because i KNOW that far to many people look down at those who work to make life easier for them.
i feel that servers should be treated better than anyone you might encounter if only to get the bad karma off your pseudo-privilaged, fucking lazy ass.
anyway. i'm just wondering i suppose, if you'd want to hurt me for my lack of money. i see your point. yet i guess i just wanna know if it's all about the money.

Thanks Laura,
Firstly, it`s not all about the money. There are several people I deliver to who do not tip yet I have not taken any action against them. I make a point of not punishing pensioners. I also have customers who like you cannot tip yet appologise for it. I do not regard them as scum. There are two types of scum; non-tipping scum and rude scum. Non-tipping scum are those who obviously have the money yet don`t feal they owe you anything extra for your services. I`ve delivered to houses costing over a million and the owners patiently wait for their 5 pence change! I guess that`s how they made their millions in the first place! The way I deal with rude scum just proves that it`s not all about money. Some customers come in and expect to get away with being a prick just because they leave a huge tip. Well that`s not how it works!
So to answer your question, no I wouldn`t mess with your food if you. However, I know that there are rogue waiters who will spit in your food if you leave anything less than 15%. Some don`t even give good service. As the Masked Waiter I am hoping to set an example to these lazy sods. I appreciate any tip I get plus I make a rule of being polite to all potential tippers. Tell your waiter to read this and learn the true meaning of being a superhero waiter.
Sunday, January 11, 2004
A rude scum ordered a capacino and when I explained that we only do regular coffee she went mental on me! "What kind of shit restaurant is this?" she shouted. Eventually she settled for a regular coffee but was moaning all the while. Well madam, this restaurant is the one that the Masked Waiter works at. The only thing shit is your attitude. For your information I spat in your coffee and blew some of my snot into it before serving it to you with a smile. As for your take-away order, I took a few of your fried prawn ball in batter and wiped them against the side of the toilet bowl at the back of the kitchen.
Saturday, January 10, 2004
What a coincidence! Yesterday I was telling you about the manager taking steps to sue the dickhead who smashed one of the windows. And in today`s newspaper I read an article about a crazy suit claim. It was about a female customer of a restaurant in Philadelphia who sued the manager for £60,000 when she slipped over some spilled drink and broke a bone. The drink was spilled by herself when she threw it at her boyfriend during an argument! Only in the USA!

Friday, January 09, 2004
Over the Xmas period a drunkard smashed one of the restaurant windows. He cut himself badly and ended up in hospital needing stitches. The cost of replacing the windows was £800! The police asked the manager if he wanted to take legal action to claim this cash from the offender. Then a couple of days later, the police called to say the offender wanted to sue the restaurant for not fitting the safer easy shatter windows! Well, the manager did some checking and found that by law he does have to fit any windows with the safer glass however, that only applies to windows fitted within these last 2 years. All the windows in the restaurant were fitted over 10 years ago. So it looks like that drunk fucker is going to get sued!
Thursday, January 08, 2004
I made a mask from my old blue lycra shirt. It`s a bit like the balaclava-type mask Spider-man wears but in dark navy blue. Also the eye-holes are smaller to not give any of my identity away. I am thinking of using it when I have to take revenge on scums`homes after my work when it`s dark enough. I truly am a masked superhero now!
Wednesday, January 07, 2004
Another phantom menace has emerged. It was another of those hoax telephone orders. I arrived at the address to find the local pizza delivery boy already there. The lady of the house explained that someone was making all these hoax orders and giving out her address. She said that she`d already sent away 3 other deliveries and 2 minicabs! What is certain is that this menace has a grudge with this lady. I advised her to call the pigs and think about who could be targeting her. Back at the restaurant I made a note of her address so that we won`t fall for that same trick again.
Tuesday, January 06, 2004
I haven`t used my bottled urine for a while and I`ve noticed that the smell gets stronger and the colour gets darker too. I`d better use up the rest of the stash quickly before it becomes harmful. Not any scums on tonight`s watch so if I can`t get rid of the stuff by tomorrow I`m going to pour it away.
Monday, January 05, 2004
No girlfriend to look up on my first day off this year so I set off to take action against the worst of the scums on my hitlist. First stop was the bitch accountant`s house (see entry 15th November ). I squirted superglue on her Jaguar windscreen. Next I went to Mrs Oliver`s at number 9 (see entry 17th December ). Again I used superglue on her car. Sorry to be repetitive but since I`m not delivering any food today there isn`t a lot I can do! Lastly I visited house number 26 who I haven`t mentioned on this blog before but who is one of the worst offenders recently. It wasn`t clear which car outside was his so I just squirted superglue in his door keyhole. Tonight shall be called "the night of the paybacks" . What makes it so perfect is that the scum will never suspect me since I wasn`t working tonight!
Sunday, January 04, 2004
My girlfriend left me on the 27th December which explains my last rather pissed off blog entry. I also needed time to myself so I`m sorry for leaving you guys so suddenly. Don`t worry, I didn`t do anything stupid! I just needed some time to reflect and get over the split. Anyway, I saw in the new year with my mates at one of their houses. I got chatting to them about wanting to get out of the restaurant business and one of them offered to help me out. He said he knew some people in the publishing business and that he would have a word with them to see if they can help. This could be the year!
Sunday, December 28, 2003
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! I`m fucked off with the world! I can`t fucking see a future! I want to fucking end this life! I am fucking depressed beyond words! Not a fucking good day! Not a fucking good life!
Saturday, December 27, 2003
A very good Xmas spent catching up with my friends who thought I`d forgotten all about them. I wish I could see them a bit more often. As the song goes I wish it could be Xmas everyday! However, I made my excuse to go to the toilet everytime the group started talking about their jobs. How can I compare with their high flying careers? I would imagine the conversation sounding something like this:
"I hear Kevin`s off to New York soon for that big design project. Dean has just been promoted to head of his I.T. department. And Martin made a mint on his Bluetech shares. So MW, what are you doing with yourself nowadays?"
"Well, I`m still in the waitering business but I`m expanding to doing deliveries as well. Plus I do nasty things to the meals of people who don`t tip me. "
Yes, I can see just how impressed they all would be!
Thursday, December 25, 2003
Well I`m off for 2 days now! The Masked Waiter is well and truly knackered as we say here in the UK! I will be spending Xmas with my lady so I won`t be able to add to my blog until the 27th. So before I go I just want to wish all you readers a very merry Xmas and I hope you all tip well when you eat out. A couple of the scum who didn`t tip me tonight will be spending Xmas sitting on their toilet!
Wednesday, December 24, 2003
Things got a bit heated in the kitchen tonight when one of the chefs made an error and the other chef started screaming at him. The fact that it was very busy tonight didn`t help the situation either! The manager stepped in to defuse the situation and everybody carried on as if nothing happened. However, there was still a tense atmosphere in the kitchen afterwards and there was an uncomfortable silence. I hope they sort out their differences by tomorrow.

Tuesday, December 23, 2003
Spare a thought for those who have to work through the Xmas period. My work is stressful and I don`t have sociable hours but at least I get to spend Xmas with my family. The Salvation Army do a brilliant job in looking after pensioners and the homeless over Xmas. Please give a donation to help fund the good work they are doing, a very worthwhile cause. If you are the usual scum who doesn`t usually tip then at least give something to this charity to redeem yourselves. You can donate online at
Monday, December 22, 2003
A taxi cab driver came in for a meal yesterday and left a very good tip. I also deliver to a lot of cab drivers in the area and they are all brilliant tippers. I think it`s because they rely on tips to support themselves as well. This got me thinking about how they deal with non-tipping scum. I mean, it`s easier for me because I can just fuck with your next meal if you offend me but it must be difficult for taxi drivers to get revenge on scum. Here are some suggestions from the master of revenge. If they have loads of luggage, just unload it in the middle of the road. Better still, if the scum is not watching while you are unloading their luggage, squirt super-glue on the locks.
Sunday, December 21, 2003
What`s worst then sampling some of the Masked Waiter`s urine? Sampling a drunk stranger`s piss off course! I had just finished with a syringe of my urine on a scum`s meal when I noticed a drunkard urinating against the side-wall of the alleyway next to the restaurant. Once he stumbled away, I drew up a syringe-full of his piss from the large puddle he left behind. It wasn`t long before I had to use the new batch.
Saturday, December 20, 2003
I wished a regular tipper a very merry Xmas and then spotted the star of David on their window! I hope that they weren`t offended, I only just discovered that they were Jewish tonight! I`m sure that they understood that my mistake was genuine. Anyway, if you are reading this number 77, I am truly sorry if I offended you. Thanks for the generous tip tonight and I hope you have a good time over the holiday.
Friday, December 19, 2003
Really good tips tonight so I can`t complain! I even told one customer that they didn`t need to give such a big tip as I felt a bit guilty about taking it. I treated him to a free liqueur after his meal.
I was having a chat with another customer he told me he worked at another restaurant which was managed by one of Princess Diana`s ex-chefs. He was telling me that they too take action on regular non-tippers. Let this be a lesson to you all, just because you go to a fancy restaurant it doesn`t mean you are safe!
Thursday, December 18, 2003
Dear Santa,
I would like better tips for all delivery drivers and waiting staff this Xmas. I would like all non-tipping scum to suffer the worst diarrhea imaginable for the whole of 2004. As a delivery man yourself who doesn`t get a tip at all, I`m sure you understand my frustration.

Wednesday, December 17, 2003
There`s a bitch of a tipper called Mrs. Oliver who lives at number 9. Once I added a pound onto her bill due to her never tipping and she actually phoned back to get her money back. So I have been adding everything from laxatives to bits of shit from the street to her order in the hope that she will not order from us anymore. She must be some dumb fuck because she`s still ordering from us! She must enjoy having the runs! Anyway, I had another delivery which was near her house tonight so I decided to teach her a lesson. I parked near her house and crept up to her car. Then I etched an “M” on the side of her car with my keys.
Tuesday, December 16, 2003
Fairly quiet evening at the restaurant; I guess most of our customers are going to leave their Xmas dinner till Xmas eve. We`ve already got 8 table bookings for that day! Nothing exciting to report tonight... sorry!
Monday, December 15, 2003
On my delivery rounds, I have noticed that some of the locals have made an effort with their Xmas lights around their homes; much more impressive than the London Xmas illuminations. So I decided to drive my girlfriend around to view them tonight. If the customers have bothered to splash out on their decorations then it`s a good sign that you`re going to get a decent tip off them. Next week will be the busiest time of year at the restaurant so I`d better get a good night`s rest.
Sunday, December 14, 2003
Here`s a good party game idea, I was watching a group of customers playing this after their meal tonight. You need a metal key which has been in the fridge for some time (they gave us the key to put in our fridge before their meal). Tie this key to the end of a long piece of string. Then the diners have to stand in line and each thread the key through their undergarments. It was hilarious to watch, especially the first in line who got the full chill of the key down his underpants.
Saturday, December 13, 2003
Restaurant life is more than just food and waiters. It`s about the lives of the diners too. A single dad came in to eat with his 10 year old daughter and I caught bits of their conversation as I was serving them. The pair were enjoying their time together and were laughing and joking at first. Then the young girl asked her dad why he and mum weren`t together anymore. There was a pause and then the dad told her he didn`t want to talk about it. There were tears from both of them and then they hugged. I must admit I was welling up myself! Forget the movies, this is where you find real drama.
Friday, December 12, 2003
Number 28, I have some good news and some bad news for you tonight. Good news is that your motor-cycle was saved due to you tipping me 20 pence for your delivery order. I was planning on putting super-glue in the ignition hole but then you decided to let me keep the 20 pence change from your order. So I left your bike alone. As for the bad news; I syringed some urine into your curry dish. I didn`t know you were going to tip me, you hadn`t ever tipped me before! I will take you off the hit-list for now, but remember, three strikes and you`re in again!
Thursday, December 11, 2003
A tip for you Masked Waiter trainees; it`s all in the preparation. 99% of my revenge tactics are prepared at home. For example, I bottle up my urine and spunk mix at home. Save all your used cotton buds like I do. Cut out all the corners of your used envelopes to make small sachets in which to hold your dandruff, shaving debris or other dry type grime. It saves messing about in the car and also cuts down your chance of being caught doing the deed. I only make the extra effort of taking down my underwear or shoes when I get the really worst offending scum.
Wednesday, December 10, 2003
I haven`t done this for a while; took out my cock and rubbed the head against each prawn cracker a scum had ordered. Hope you guys reading this don`t think it`s some kind of strange fetish I`ve got! You could say that my dick is my side-kick in the fight against scum. Without it, I wouldn`t have come up with half the ingenious methods of revenge (“come up” being the words to note there!)
Tuesday, December 09, 2003
Starting to get the group parties in the restaurant in the run up to Xmas. Tonight we had the local babminton team in. Since I miss out on all the parties with my mates I try to share the joy of the parties with the customers. A bit sad I know but you get some really good groups of people in here. At least every party is different and I don`t need to get any gifts!
Monday, December 08, 2003
Big thanks to those who sent me mail; both of you!

Drunkard writes:
Dear Masked Waiter,
Big fan. Huge. I think your techniques are quite professional and I do have a suggestion. Rat Poison. No, not for all. But for that special stupid fuck who doesn't seem to make the connection of "being rude/not tipping" with "ten straight cases of food poisoning". Population Control with Purpose--weeding out idiots from the world.

Thanks for the suggestion Drunkard but I think using rat poison would only get me convicted for murder! Remember, I`m meant to be the good guy! By the way, I think your weblog rocks! Appreciate the link.

Kekaigirl writes:
I don't know whether to laugh, cry, or vomit. But I do know this; even though I'm an excellent tipper, usually 20% or more, I will never order food delivered again! Oh yes, and I love you.
Your devoted fan,
Kai :o)

Thanks Kai, you are an excellent tipper indeed! I don`t know why you`re afraid to get food delivered because it`s only the non-tipping scum who get dealt with. If anything, you`d probably get extra portions, free drinks, and extra fast deliveries due to your generousity.

Sunday, December 07, 2003
I bought some syringes from the pharmacy this afternoon. Thought they`d come in handy for keeping my batches of urine, spunk mix, and my other bodily produced concoctions.
The tipping has generally got better this week. Most customers tend to be extra generous near the Xmas period. There are, however, the few Scrooges. Hope they fucking drop dead over Xmas!

Saturday, December 06, 2003
Scum number one, I had me some fun,
Spat in his soup and the job was done,
Scum number two, what should I do?
Shove a bud in my ass and get me some poo,
Wipe it on your chicken dish, chick chick chick,
Then you get it on your lips, lick lick lick,
So many scums as tight as a noose,
So many scums get to taste my dick juice.

Just in case you were wondering, yes I did do those things tonight! Just like Snoop I`m keeping it real!

Friday, December 05, 2003
Some scum gave me the exact amount to the penny (£14.95) after I delivered their meal to them in the fucking rain! So I just stood at their porch, looked at the money in my hand, then looked at them. I stood there for a while; it seemed like ages. They didn`t give me anything more but I just wanted to make them squirm. When they eat their laxative laced take-away they`ll be squirming even more!
Thursday, December 04, 2003
I flossed my teeth and put the bits from the floss into a scum`s rice before delivering it to them. Also scraped the tartar from behind my teeth and wiped it on their prawn crackers. I`ve already got a couple of emails from some readers and I will publish and answer them this Sunday (it should be on Monday`s entry). Thanks for the response.
Wednesday, December 03, 2003
An ex-policeman came in for a meal with tonight and surprisingly we got on quite well! I was telling him about customers who had refused to pay after their meal. He told me that I have the power to make a citizen`s arrest in such a situation as it constitutes to theft. In the past, when we called for the pigs, they just gave the cheating scum a warning and let them go without paying! The ex-policeman told me that they were probably too lazy to make a report and advised me in future to threaten to sue their commissioner if they refuse to make an arrest. So come on you scum, make my day!
Tuesday, December 02, 2003
A new law comes into force from today. If you are caught using a mobile phone while driving then you are liable for a £30 fine, up to £2500 if you are driving a lorry or bus. About fucking time too! I hate it when I`m driving behind some dickhead who is on his mobile and driving at crawling speed! I usually put on my fog lights to make their ride as uncomfortable as they are making mine.
Monday, December 01, 2003
Is there a question you`d like to ask me? Have you any comments on my weblog? Or do you just want to have a pop at me? Well here`s your chance. You can send me your questions and comments to If I get enough feedback I`ll try to respond to them on this site for you. Hope to hear from you!
Sunday, November 30, 2003
I was looking through my list of non-tipping scum and I noticed a good majority of them don`t order anymore. That shows what a good job I am doing as the Masked Waiter. Now if I could get any scum reading this to change their ways then this blog has been worthwhile. Don`t think that if you`re not eating in London then you`re safe, there are mirror Masked Waiters everywhere!
Saturday, November 29, 2003
I was doing my delivery rounds when I saw a motorcyclist standing next to his smashed up bike on the road. His bike was totally wreaked and the bollard in the middle of the road was also smashed. I guess he must have crashed it into a bollard because there was no other vehicle nearby. He was trying to flag down others to help him but no one was stopping. I was slowing my car to see how I could help, until I saw it was one of the scums from my hitlist. Just when he thought I was going to stop for him, I drove off. I made sure the scum recognised me first. I`ve been waiting to get that mother fucker back for ages but it was definitely worth the wait!
Friday, November 28, 2003
That scummy kid who has been coming in lately (see Tuesday 4th November entry) to pick up his order decided to get a delivery tonight. He ordered a can of coke which I smuggled into the toilet and dipped the end you drink from into the toilet basin. I wiped the excess water off with toilet paper and put it back into his order. Next, I coughed up some phlegm into his curry dish. Finally, I added some spunk mix into his chow mein.
Hey fucker! If you still haven`t realised from the diarrhea you`re experiencing that you`re the scum, here`s another clue; you live at number 28!
Thursday, November 27, 2003
How to get a good tip:
1. Always make an effort to remember the customers` names. I even recognise some customers from their voice on the phone.
2. Always say please and thank you when serving.
3. Deliver the orders of regular tippers first. They will be especially happy if they`ve been told that there would be quite a wait for their order but discover that they get it within minutes.
4. If your restaurant gives away free drinks with large orders, keep the drinks from the non-tipping scum and give it to the tippers.
5. Keep a bag of sweets in the car so that you can present it to kids of regular tippers. I also keep a box of dog biscuits in the boot for dog owners.
6. Make an effort to strike up a conversation with your customers.
7. Always be attentive to regular tipping diners. They shouldn`t have to call you over to get them another drink, you should check if their drink is running low and ask if they want another.
8. Always give an extra couple of after-dinner mints to regular tippers.

Wednesday, November 26, 2003
I noticed the chef had left a bucket of uncooked ribs in the store-room. When a scum ordered a delivery, I took their box of chicken and pineapple into the store-room and spooned some blood from the bottom of the bucket into the box. I was careful not to forget to stir it in. Come to think of it, there is another scum who is a vegetarian. This would be a fitting punishment for him. I wonder if you can get tape-worms from eating raw pig`s blood?

Tuesday, November 25, 2003
Everyone tipped me tonight! 100% result! I salute each and everyone of you, thanks to numbers 2, 8, 16, 21, 62, and 275. I know you readers want a bit of revenge to start the week but I`m sorry to disappoint tonight.
Monday, November 24, 2003
My private life actually makes boring reading, unlike my life as the Masked Waiter. I`m sure you don`t want to hear about what I did on my day off today so here`s a waiter joke instead.

A waiter is using a pair of tongs to serve a diner`s spagetti when the man notices a piece of string attached to the waiter`s trouser zip.
“Why do you have a piece of string tied to your zip?” he enquires.
“Oh!” the waiter replies “I use it to open my zip when I need to go to the toilet, we`re not allowed to use our hands.”
“So how do you get your penis out?” continued the diner.
“That`s what these tongs are for!” explained the waiter.

Sunday, November 23, 2003
It didn`t stop raining all night. I dipped some scum`s lid from his order into a puddle and then replaced it back onto his container. On another order, I soaked a tissue in a puddle and then squeezed it into a scum`s chowmein.
Back at the restaurant some wanker was being quite rude to me. Basically he was trying to show off in front of his girlfriend. Everytime he ordered a drink, I just used a used glass to fill his drink. The best moment was when an old man left his unfinished beer which I just topped up and gave to the rude wanker.
Saturday, November 22, 2003
What do you do if there is a couple who regularly order, the husband is a very generous tipper but the wife is a scummy blood-sucking bitch? Well, this is what I encountered a few weeks ago. I found that when the husband came to pay at the door, I would get a decent tip but when it came to his wife`s turn at the door, not only would she give nothing extra but she would complain about the order as well. I couldn`t spit in the order because that would be unfair on the husband. So I got chatting to him everytime he came to the door. I soon found out which dishes were his and which were his wife`s. Then it was just a simple task of taking out her dishes and fucking it up for her! Clever eh?
Friday, November 21, 2003
My feet were getting a bit cold so I took out a scum`s fried prawn balls and rubbed them against the soles of my feet, de-socked off course. I also stuck a couple of their prawn crackers under my armpits.

Thursday, November 20, 2003
Oh dear number 9! You said you were never going to order from us again! So why did you make a delivery order tonight? Did you think I`d forgotten about you? How could I forget such loathsome scum? I`d be surprise if you don`t suffer any kind of food poisoning tonight because I messed up your meal real good! Let`s just say it involved my shit and your beef dishes.
Wednesday, November 19, 2003
I had a lot of beanshoots for my dinner which gave me very bad wind. When a regular non-tipper came in for a meal with his girlfriend I gently let off some rectum gas near his table whilst they were eating. The smell didn`t hit them straightaway so I was able to make my getaway and watch the reaction from afar. One moment they were enjoying their meal, then the girlfriend was the first to put her hand over her nose. The scum looked around and thought it was the diners at the next table. He gave them a dirty look. I wasn`t that bothered since that table was a couple of non-tipping scums too.
Tuesday, November 18, 2003
Very quiet night at the restaurant tonight. A couple came in and had the whole place to themselves. The husband decided to serenade his wife with a ballad after the meal. I joked that we charged extra for any singing in the restaurant. I know, I`m such a wit!
A big thanks to all those who have mentioned this blog on their sites. I`m afraid I don`t know how to add links to my blog so I can`t return the favour as yet but I`m working on it.
Monday, November 17, 2003
Just like Peter Parker I too am a keen photographer. I am hoping that this is my ticket out of the waitering life. I have to say my photograghic skills are quite good. I`ve made it my aim to be a professional photographer by the end of next year. It`s a shame I can`t post any photos on this blog because I can`t afford the full package blog. I would`ve love to show you pictures of what I did to all the scums` meals!
Sunday, November 16, 2003
The new delivery driver is learning fast! He was telling me about spitting in a scum`s order. I`ll have to teach him a few more tricks. By the way, if any of you scums think that complaining to the manager will resolve things you are so wrong! The manager knows what we get up to and he is behind us all the way. He even dishes out a bit of his own justice on rude customers himself! We all suffer as a result of scummy customers so therefore we stick together.
Saturday, November 15, 2003
I fucking hate accountants! One of the scums on my hit list is an accountant and she ordered a delivery last week. When she tried to pay by cheque I explained to her that we have a surcharge of £1 for cheque payments because the banks charge a fee for depositing cheques into the business account. She came in today and told the manager that she checked with the bank and found that the fee they charged was only 45 pence. Then she was harping on about how she felt we were trying to rip her off by charging a pound for cheques! Firstly, I can`t believe that you are fucking sad enough to check this with the banks! Get a fucking life! Secondly, I know where you live, I know what car you have, I WILL fucking make you pay! By the way if you are reading this and you know who you are, I made you eat the dirt from my car mat last week by rolling your fried items on it!
Friday, November 14, 2003
Some pig van (that`s a police van) was following me on one of my delivery rounds. I had put a nail under a scum`s car tyre earlier tonight so I thought that the pigs were onto me. Imagine that, the Masked Waiter in the cells! The van even parked up behind me when I returned to the restaurant. Then they got out of the van and walked towards me. I was just worried that they might want to check the contents of my car boot. The bottle of spunk mix would have been impossible to explain! However, they walked passed me and into the restaurant; they just wanted to order a take-away! Yours truly lives to fight another day.
Thursday, November 13, 2003
Due to the excessive runny nose I`ve been suffering lately, the skin around my nostrils is peeling. I peeled off these flakes and put them in a scum`s rice. I also put my empty bottle of cough medicine to good use. I made a concoction of urine, sock juice and sperm. My last spunk mix became too frothy because the aperture of the bottle top was too small and there was too much sperm to water ratio. This new mixture should be ok.
Wednesday, November 12, 2003
Time to broaden your language skills readers, your first lesson in Cantonese. Here are some words you need to learn:
Ho mei = Delicious
Dor tse = Thank you
Siu cheung = Tip
Hau = mouth
Shui = water
Hau shui = saliva (mouth water)
Liu = urine
Diu lei, koo hong jung = fuck you, tight scum

Tuesday, November 11, 2003
Because we are getting busier nearer the Christmas period, the manager has decided to hire an extra delivery driver. He just started today and I wasted no time in passing on my tactics for revenge on non-tippers. I may even share my hit list with him later on. So never think you are safe if you get a new delivery driver!
Monday, November 10, 2003
I went to watch Kill Bill at the cinema today. Great movie! The principal character of the movie gets treated like dirt by a bunch of scum. After a few years, the victim decides to make a hit list and start taking nasty revenge on each one of the scum. Sound like anyone you know? Tarantino, you`re a plagiarist!
Sunday, November 09, 2003
I`ve got a runny nose and have been coughing all night. I think I`m coming down with something. I blew some snot onto a scum`s soup. Then I coughed in another`s rice. If I have to suffer having a cold then I`m bringing down as many scum`s as I can.
Saturday, November 08, 2003
I don`t believe it! Another bitch has checked my calculations and noticed that I added the extra pound on her bill. Are they reading this blog or is the word getting around? Just in case you bitches think you`ve got the better of me, I spat in your sweet and sour sauce as well. Also, remember I know where you live!

Friday, November 07, 2003
Some non-tipping bitch made an order and asked for a price over the phone so I added a pound on top of her total. When I arrived at the house with the order she told me I got the price wrong and gave me a cheque for the correct amount. So I gave her some cock and bull story about the restaurant charging a pound for cheque payments. She did give me a pound but not without complaining to me about it. If you`re unhappy with it then try some other restaurant, bitch! And yes, I did tread on your chicken wings and fried crab claws as well!
Thursday, November 06, 2003
I took one of my used cotton buds and stuck it up my arse-hole! If you`re trying this out for yourselves, make sure it`s pitch black and you`re parked in a secluded area! Mr Non-tipper at number 66, just to let you know I then stuck that cotton bud in your szechuan beef dish and stirred it around a bit.
Wednesday, November 05, 2003
I went to the local garage to fill up my car and recognised the rude attendant from my last visit (See Friday October 24). After filling up I made sure I got the right amount of cash but I made sure that it was all in small change. When the attendant told me the amount due, I began to place the coins one by one right across the counter, first to the left, then one to the right, then one by my side and so forth. Fifty coins later I just turned my back on him and made my exit with a sense of vindication.
Tuesday, November 04, 2003
Some scummy kid has wised up. He has been coming to pick up his order lately instead of having it delivered. Thanks kid I do appreciate it, instead of wasting my time delivering to scum like you I could be be getting more tippers in my delivery rounds now. However, I`m afraid that your address will still remain on my hit list, just in case you decide to have a delivery in future. The only way to remove yourself from that list is to tip.
Monday, November 03, 2003
Bit of waiter news I found whilst browsing the net today:
A former waiter in a Glasgow restaurant has been awarded more than £33,000 after being victimised because he is a Pakistani Muslim. Wajid Zia, 29, was the victim of cruel jibes, name-calling and humiliating behaviour because of his race. His bosses at the restaurant were Indian Sikhs.
Just goes to show racism is not just exclusive to the white majority.

Sunday, November 02, 2003
Firstly, I noted on the news this morning that a pensioner of 73 suffered a heart attack and died after chasing some youths who threw eggs at his window after he refused to open the door for them last night. How many have to die before the government put an end to this harrassment?
On a more positive note, there was only one offending scum tonight, number 7. I poured the remainder of my urine into their curry.
Saturday, November 01, 2003
People were taking longer than usual to open their doors when I delivered because they were checking that I wasn`t a trick or treater first! I feel sorry for the old people who are almost held to ransom by some of these young hoodlums. Then we`ve got a whole month of fireworks going off endlessly. How do the kids manage to afford to get so many fireworks?
Friday, October 31, 2003
I was in one of those funny moods again today. Kept thinking about where I was in my life. Believe me, it was depressing! I don`t want to be the Masked Waiter till middle-age, I would end up a very bitter man! As from now I will try to better myself and get out of the waitering business. Adding urine to a scum`s dinner is fun but it`s not what I call job satisfaction.
Thursday, October 30, 2003
On my delivery rounds, I was driving behind someone who decided to throw his crap out of his window. I guess he must be near his home since he was turning into a side-road so I followed him to see where he lived. Sure enough he parked outside his house. I made a mental note of his car and address, then returned to the restaurant to pick up my next order.
Later on in the night, I returned to the litterbug`s place. Using my superglue I marked the letter M onto his car windscreen. M for yours truly off course!

Wednesday, October 29, 2003
Joke for today;
A flat-chested woman was delighted when her fairy-god mother said her breasts would increase in size each time a man says "Pardon" to her.
She walked down the sidewalk, accidentally bumped into a man and he said,"Pardon me." Her breasts instantly grew an inch and she was ecstatic.
The next day, she bumped into a man in the grocery store, he begged her pardon and another inch was added to her breasts. She was in seventh heaven!
She walked into a Chinese restaurant, collided with a waiter who bowed and said, "A thousand pardons for my clumsy behavior."
The next day, the headline in the local newspaper said "Chinese Waiter Crushed to Death!"

Tuesday, October 28, 2003
Yes! There is a God! The scum with the fat girlfriend who got away without tipping last time (see Friday Oct 17) came in again tonight. Firstly I licked the spoons that went into their curry sauce and their sweet and sour sauce. Then when they asked for the bill, I added £1 onto the total. I don`t care that the £1 doesn`t go to me, but I`d rather it go to the manager than have the scum get away with not tipping! I told you I`d remember you!
Monday, October 27, 2003
So some of you are still unconvinced that waiters take revenge against scum who don`t tip. Well why not test it? Try tipping next time and see if the service is any different. Did you get your order quicker than usual? Were the waiters more polite? More importantly, is it the first time you didn`t have the runs after your meal?
I went shopping today and came across a rude prick. I was trying to get through a tight aisle in HMV and this wanker was standing right in the middle of the aisle, blocking anyone else from going through. So I asked politely if I could pass. He just ignored me completely! I turned around and went round the next aisle but I was fuming inside. Then as luck would have it I felt a fart brewing down below. I quickly rushed back to the previous aisle and sure enough, the prick was still there looking at his videos. Standing next to him I silently let the intoxicating stink out before making my exit. He rushed from that aisle straightaway looking very pissed off.
Sunday, October 26, 2003
Saw a bunch of kids messing around with fireworks. They were lighting them and throwing them into the street bins! I don`t know why the shops sell them to kids. In the past, I`ve even seen some kid throw one into an unlocked car. If they tried that with me I`d hunt them down one by one!
Saturday, October 25, 2003
A gang of kids were causing trouble in the supermarket next to our restaurant and the doorman locked some of them in the store. The few locked in went wild and started trashing the store and the ones outside were banging on the windows. I guess the manager must have called the police because after an hour, the pigs finally arrived. Turned out to be a waste of time calling the pigs because they had to let the kids go with a warning. They`re racist, cocky, and bullies; and that was just the police!
Friday, October 24, 2003
Don`t you just hate rude service? I went to fill up my car after I noticed I was a bit low on fuel. After filling up at a petrol station, I went to the kiosk to pay. I greeted the attendant with a hello but he just ignored me completely! Then when he had to give me back my change, he put it down on the counter eventhough my hand was out-stretched in front of him! I made a note of the attendant so that I can get him back on my next visit. Stay tuned to find out how I get even.
Thursday, October 23, 2003
I had to refill my bottle of urine today. After having a glass of milk in the morning, I noticed that there was a milky smell in the urine. More calcium content for the scums who don`t tip!
Almost got caught out tonight; I parked around the corner from a scum`s house to add some sock juice to his order, and then he walked passed my car with his dog! Luckily I was just finishing off and had just packed everything back in the bag, but it was too close for comfort! So my tip for you future Masked Waiters is to park further away from your destination to do any dirty deeds, preferably some dark secluded road.
Wednesday, October 22, 2003
There is a regular customer who runs his own agency and he often claimed to be able to get me another job. He often told me to visit his office anytime to see what he can do for me. I was quite grateful for his offer to help and would always treat him to a free beer when he came into the restaurant. However, it was difficult for me to find the time off to see him during the week. Finally, I did manage to get a day off during the week and I made my way to his office. He seemed quite surprised to see me and it was obvious that he didn`t want me there. All that talk back at the restaurant was a load of crap! I sat for ages waiting to see him and then he fobbed me off by saying that he was too busy. Suffice to say that not only does he not get free beer when he comes to eat but I always spit in his dinner. What pissed me off most was that I really thought I had a route out of this business. He had really built up my hopes. Plus the bastard has never tipped either!
Tuesday, October 21, 2003
There`s a flaky theme to tonight`s punishments. In one scum`s take-away order I flicked flakes of my earwax into their meal. In another`s I pealed some flakes of loose skin from my nose and deposited them on their rice. Then to the third offender, I shook so much dandruff onto their dish that I had to stir it in to conceal the evidence.
Monday, October 20, 2003
Non-eventful day off, so here`s a joke instead.

Waiter asks two diners, "Tea or coffee gentlemen?"
"I`ll have tea," says the first customer.
"Me too," adds the second, "and make sure my glass is clean!"
So the waiter returns a little later with both teas. "Two teas," he announced, "who asked for the clean glass again?"

Sunday, October 19, 2003
A scum ordered a delivery on Thursday night but I didn`t do anything to her meal that night. I thought I`d wait a couple of days to give her a special surprise. On my delivery rounds, I took an egg with me and went to her house. As noted, her car was parked on her driveway. Still inside my car, I wound down my window, threw the egg onto her windscreen, and made my getaway. You see, if I had done that on the same night as her delivery, she would have worked out it was me. The Masked Waiter always covers his tracks.
Saturday, October 18, 2003
Now that the nights are getting darker earlier I can get down to my work as the Masked Waiter earlier. A few weeks ago, I would have had to wait till at least 8pm before it was dark enough for me to mess with the scums` orders in my car for fear of being spotted. Tonight I was shoving my hand down my pants, scratching my balls, then wiping them on some scum`s prawn balls, well before 7pm.
Friday, October 17, 2003
Picked up a discarded unfinished lollipop from the pavement and used it to stir the contents of a scum`s chicken and bamboo shoots. Squeezed a huge spot behind my ear and wiped the pus onto another scum`s prawn cracker.
To the scum who came in for a meal with his fat girlfriend and didn`t leave any tip at all; you may have gotten away with it this time but I WILL remember you!

Thursday, October 16, 2003
Tonight`s culprits from the hit list are door numbers 9, 25, 82 and bonus door number 149. They each win a special treat from the Masked Waiter. Number 9 has won my urine in their curry dish, number 25 has won pork balls rubbed up against the skid marks in my underwear, number 82 gets dandruff and spit in their meal, and number 149 gets to sample my latest sock juice before anyone else!
Wednesday, October 15, 2003
Why are there so few movies based on waiters? Eventhough we are stuck in the same environment everyday, there are so many things that happen in restaurants. I could tell you so many strange and funny events I have witnessed over the years. I`ve seen marriage proposals, really ugly break-ups, a cheating husband caught out, big fights, angry celebrities and an attempted murder to name a few. So come on Steven Spielberg, get working on that waiter movie, or is it too big a movie for you?
Tuesday, October 14, 2003
I noticed that my bottled diluted spunk was producing too much foam so I emptied the bottle and made a new concoction of sock juice, which is basically soaking my used sock and squeezing the water into the bottle.
Tonight a man dressed as a woman came in for a take-away and was verbally abused by some idiot customer. Then after the transvestite left, the idiot said to me, "I fucking hate gays but I don`t mind lesbians!" What a dumb thing to say! I didn`t know they bred rednecks in the UK!
Monday, October 13, 2003
Whilst surfing the net today I came across a site devoted to shaming celebrity bad tippers; .Excellent idea! However I think it`s a bit harsh on those who do tip but just not over the 20% expected. I would be grateful for even a 10% tip! I guess tipping standards are quite different in the USA.
Sunday, October 12, 2003
Whilst shaving this morning I had an idea for another weapon. I cleaned the shaving debris from my electric shaver onto a piece of paper and then poured it into a sachet. Later on in the evening, I selected the scum to sample my newest weapon against non-tippers. I`ll just divulge that they lives at number 58. I took a pinch of my shaving debris and mixed it into their curry dish. Some advice for you Masked Waiter wannabes, always use stuff which is tasteless and undetectable when mixed into the food. You can`t beat old fashioned saliva and dirt.
To the table of 3 regular non-tippers who came in for a meal tonight; you might think you got away without paying a tip again, but I recognised you as soon as you came in and I added £2 onto your bill under drinks. Who`s the mug now?
Saturday, October 11, 2003
I read in today`s paper that the trade secretary Patricia Hewitt blasted the bosses of the city`s top firms for not hiring enough executives from the ethnic minorities. After yesterday, that piece of news pissed me off even more. So when one of the worst offenders on my hit list (non-tippers) ordered a delivery, I vented my frustration on their order. I tampered with every box in their order and threw an empty coke can into their garden.
Friday, October 10, 2003
An ex-classmate came in for a meal tonight. I hadn`t seen him for over 15 years. He drove a sports car, had a beautiful wife and seemed to have done quite well for himself in life. I went to the same public school as this guy, got great exam results and what have I got to show for it? I`ve been waiting tables for as long as I can remember and I`m still too fucking poor to marry my girlfriend! So how come I ended up as a public school educated waiter? Well I`ve got all those bosses who I`ve applied for work to thank. Those white bureaucrat bastards only seem to hire their own kind. You can only take so much rejection before you become desperate to take any job you can.
The final insult is when these pompous bosses come to the restaurant and look down on you as if you are beneath them. Well Mr Bigshot I`ve got the last laugh when I watch you enjoy my spit in your meal!
Thursday, October 09, 2003
For tonight`s special hit I took off my sock and used a toothpick to scrape out the grime under my toe nails, depositing the black grit into the chosen scum`s meal.
Reading about the growing amount of violence on the streets I`ve decided to keep a length of piping in the boot of my car for self defense. In all my years doing deliveries I have never encountered any physical threats but you can never be too sure. It`s a jungle out there!
Wednesday, October 08, 2003
The local police station ordered a delivery tonight and, as expected, the pigs didn`t tip! I was thinking about ways to teach another scum a lesson when I accidently trod onto a rotten apple. I took out the prawn toast from their order and used it to wipe the squashed apple from my sole. The I shook off any noticable pieces and returned it to the box.
Tuesday, October 07, 2003
Dis is da Masked Waiter,
Da regulator,
Always remember to tip,
Or you may taste my piss,
And don`t be bloody rude,
Else you taste spunk juice,
Let`s be civil with each other,
My learn`ed equal brother.
Monday, October 06, 2003
Let me dispel a few myths about waiters and restaurants;
1. We are not all out of work actors.
2. We do not think we are better than you and look down on customers, if anything it`s probably the reverse.
3. We are not all horny men after your women.
4. Chinese restaurants do not serve dog meat.
5. We are not all illegal immigrants. The penalty for the manager is quite hefty so most will not risk hiring any illegal immigrants.

Sunday, October 05, 2003
Just one non-tipping scum tonight which is very rare for a busy Saturday night. I delivered them the special fried rice with my dandruff topping, plus a sweetcorn soup with flakes of my earwax.
Saturday, October 04, 2003
Tonight an old woman who must have been in her eighties got the better of yours truly. She came in for a take-away and ordered a chicken chowmein. The total only came up to £3.70 but she said she needed to go to a cash machine to get the money. She took her chowmein with her and said she would be back with the money straightaway. The cash dispenser was literally across the road from the restaurant. It must have been about 20 minutes later before I realised that I had been duped, she wasn`t anywhere to be seen! However I did see the funny side of it and I won`t be taking any revenge on her; even if she were to return. I`ll just be a bit more careful next time!
Friday, October 03, 2003
A crafty old scum thought he could get away with not tipping by only ordering around once a month. Well for your information I keep a list of scum like you in my car. You could be ordering once a year and I`d still remember that you didn`t tip! Congratulations! You are the first customer to sample my spunk mix in your food!

Thursday, October 02, 2003
This afternoon I washed out an old aftershave bottle and ejaculated into a condom. I filled the condom with some water and poured the solution into the bottle. This is the Masked Waiter`s new weapon against scum who don`t tip. I was tempted to use it on the first scum that ordered tonight but I think I`ll save it for those really hateful customers. Instead I treated tonight`s culprits to some laxatives in their soup, some snot in their curry, and some pancake rolls which had been rolled on the ground.
Wednesday, October 01, 2003
When is it acceptable not to tip:
1. When you pick up the take-away order yourself.
2. When you eat at a self-service restaurant.
3. Where you have to settle the bill before your meal.
4. When the service is really unacceptable, but make sure the manager knows about it first.
5. When the food is really bad and they are unprepared to replace it with an acceptable one.

Tuesday, September 30, 2003
I figured out a way to bottle up my sperm for my missions. I will need to add water to it otherwise it will just dry up into a crust. Also, I will require a vial with a bigger hole than my plastic squeezy lemon otherwise the hole will just get blocked up. I`ll have a look around the house tomorrow to see what I can come up with to come into!
Monday, September 29, 2003
I spent the day re-stocking on my ammunition. I refilled my bottle of urine, packed a few more sachets of laxatives and bagged a few used cotton buds. I also tried to come up with new ideas for paybacks. I would like to be able to bottle my sperm for use in non-tippers` meals, but the problem is that it dries up too quickly. Have to give that idea more thought.
Sunday, September 28, 2003
On delivering an order to a scum I noticed that they had left their house keys in their front door. There were also their car keys attached. Since they were non-tipping scum, I did not tell him. I`ll be laughing if I found out next week that their cars were stolen! You see, if you don`t tip you could be losing so much more than your generosity!
I couched up a big mouthful of phlegm which I dutifully spat into some other scum`s chicken curry. There were so many non-tippers tonight that I actually ran out of my bottled urine! A busy night for the Masked Waiter, thank God it`s Sunday tomorrow, my day off!
Saturday, September 27, 2003
Quite a wet night tonight which is wonderful news for the Masked Waiter. I opened up a scum`s order and used my hands to wipe the rain off the hood of my car into their meal. Then I noticed that the rain had brought out the snails onto the walkway. I picked one up and placed it on the scum`s fried rice. Don`t worry, it was totally unharmed and I did replace it back into the wild.
Friday, September 26, 2003
There is one particular scum who is really hateful, she expects me to deliver to her first because she is only across the road from the restaurant. Not only is she too lazy to come over to get the order herself but I never get a tip off her. If there are several orders to deliver, I make sure that her`s is the last order I do. When she ordered tonight, I took a couple of her prawn balls in batter and rolled them about in my boot. Hope you get some kind of fungal infection from it!
Thursday, September 25, 2003
There is a regular customer who always complains about the food hoping to get a free meal on his next order. Now when he first tried this, we gave him money off his next order without any question because we believed his complaint to be genuine. However the stupid scum got greedy and started complaining after every order! How stupid do you think we are? So now not only do we add a few pounds onto his order but I also mess with his food so that he can really have something to complain about! Did you enjoy the dandruff with your chow mein tonight Mr Complaint?
Wednesday, September 24, 2003
Do you live in the London area? Is your house number 166? Did your chicken balls in batter taste a bit gritty tonight? Then you probably got a visit by the Masked Waiter tonight. If you are that scum, then I want you to know that I rolled your chicken balls on my car mat and spat in your tub of sweet and sour sauce! When you are sat on your toilet having the runs, think about giving a tip next time!
Tuesday, September 23, 2003
Another rainy night and another scum gets their just desserts. They made a big order so I was spoilt for choice as to which of their meals to mess with. I went for the chop suey because it`s less conspicuous with sauce based dishes. I rumaged around in my belly button and picked out a black piece of grit, then dropped it into the food. I`ve always wondered why it is that belly buttons produce this grit.
Monday, September 22, 2003
Sorry but I forgot to tell you last night that the tip I got on a horse racing yesterday didn`t win. Luckily I don`t have the money to bet with otherwise I`d be a bit poorer today!
It`s time for another waiter joke! This one I found on the net, a bit lengthy but well worth the read.
Two old Jewish gentlemen were having lunch in a Chinese restaurant, and the conversation turned to the status of Jewish communities around the world.
They discussed the plight of Soviet Jewry, and how the break-up of the USSR was making emigration to Israel easier for those Jews. They chatted about Ethiopian Jews, and whether they were "really" Jewish, considering the differences in their religious practices from that of the Orthodox sect. They even discussed the problem of intermarriage in American Jews.
Eventually, since they were in a Chinese establishment, the conversation turned to the status of Jews in Asia. One of the gentlemen was certain that there had been a thriving community of Jews in Beijing - and probably still was; but, the other was equally certain that Jews had intermarried in China to the point where they had completely assimilated. Their discussion became quite heated.
Hearing the raised voices, their waiter hurried over. "Food OK?" he asked.
"The meal is fine," replied one of the Jews, "but we were arguing about Chinese Jews. Do you have any?"
The waiter thought for a moment. "Don't know," he admitted. "Ask cook." And he vanished into the kitchen.
After a few minutes, he reappeared, frowning. "So sorry," he began. "Cook say no Chinese Jews."
Before either Jew could say anything, the waiter smiled and continued: "Cook say we have apple juice and tomato juice."

Sunday, September 21, 2003
A scum ordered a delivery and I decided to add a pound onto their bill. However, the bitch checked the total and noticed that I had added the extra pound. She then decided that she didn`t want the order and demanded her money back. That`s the best thing you could`ve done bitch! Thank you so much! I`ve been trying to get rid of the scums on my list for ages! That way I can get more tippers into my delivery rounds. I hope this site will deter all non-tipping scum from ever ordering again. Stop wasting our time!
Saturday, September 20, 2003
One of the waitresses was talking about a black customer and was using derogatory terms. I did tell her that it wasn`t clever to use such terms and that she was racist but I don`t think she took me seriously. I find that the minorities are just as racist as the whites, probably worst. We should not be insulting people who get the same abuse as we do. We should stick together, not look down on other ethnic minorities. Otherwise we are just as bad as those facist scum.
Friday, September 19, 2003
Dido is my favourite singer after I read an interview she gave in the Sun. She said she hates people who are rude to waiters. Now there is a really well-grounded celebrity who won`t turn into a diva just because she is worth millions.
Another car made my list of rude drivers after they decided to turn at a traffic light without any indication. I`m sure they do that deliberately to annoy those of us who follow them only to be held at the lights when they turn.
Thursday, September 18, 2003
When I saw that one of my regular non-tipping scums had made a delivery order, I prepared a foam carton of tap water. Once I had their meal in my car, I went to a secluded area and took off one of my socks. Then I dipped the toe end into the tap water and squeezed it into their chop suey. It did mean that I had to work the rest of the evening with a half damp sock! I must also add that I usually wear my socks for about a week before I change them.
Wednesday, September 17, 2003
Tonight`s non-tipper got my special prawn cracker topping. What you do is squeeze the tip of your nose until the blackheads ooze out. Then wipe them onto the scum`s prawn crackers.
Some customer gave me a different kind of tip; the tip was a horse running in a race this Saturday. I`m not a gambling man so I won`t put any bet on but I`ll keep you posted on the outcome this Saturday.
Tuesday, September 16, 2003
Don`t know what the proper term for it is but I picked my eye gunk and put it into some scum`s meal whilst I was in the kitchen. I washed my face before I went to work so I can`t understand why I can produce so much gunk so quickly. Still, at least it didn`t go to waste!
Monday, September 15, 2003
I was browsing the web on my day off and was surprised to see that there were a number of sites where waiters can sound off about non-tipping scum. I guess I`m not the only one taking revenge and talking about it online. I was hoping to get a few tips on how to take revenge, maybe a few new methods, but the stuff I read was quite tame compared to the exploits I get up to. There seems to be no-one more hardcore than yours truly.
Sunday, September 14, 2003
As soon as darkness came, I returned to the car that cut me up yesterday. Then I took my tube of superglue and squirted a few drops on the front windscreen. A very good night for tips. The word must be getting around.
Saturday, September 13, 2003
Difficult to come up with original methods of punishment since I seem to have covered everything in the book so far. I decided to use the old laxative in their meal penalty because it`s been a while since I last used it.
Tonight I started off my list of rude drivers and got my first entry. Some idiot woman cutting in front of me without even looking. No apologies from her, so I made a mental note of her number plate until I was free to write it down. There was no need though, she soon parked up at her house so I knew exactly where she lived. Now an amateur would have taken some action tonight without ever thinking. The Masked Waiter will wait because she will have an idea who did it if there was incident that day. Make sure you cover your tracks before taking any action!
Friday, September 12, 2003
All our customers were good tippers tonight so there is nothing to report of the Masked Waiter. Let me tell you a waiter joke I heard on the tv today that made me laugh. A man says to a waiter "Waiter, you`ve got your thunb on my steak." The waiter replies "Well you don`t want me to drop it again do you?"
Thursday, September 11, 2003
When I went on one of my deliveries, some bugger just cut into my lane without any indication. If it wasn`t for my quick reflex I would have gone into the back of them. I looked through their windscreen to see there was no sign of an apology. I`m finding rude drivers on a frequent basis lately. Maybe I should start a new list; a special list for rude drivers. After all I drive around locally nearly everyday so the chances that I should spot a car on that list again would be quite high.
Wednesday, September 10, 2003
I took a non-tipping scum`s packet of prawn crackers and farted into the bag then sealed it shut. It was one of those farts which slowly leaks out, they`re the deadliest! I`m sure they must have tasted it in their crackers.
Tuesday, September 09, 2003
Whilst serving a table of good customers this evening, some knucklehead from another table began shouting over to me to get served. How rude! And what do we do with rude scum? We wait until it`s time to serve their meal, spit on their plate whilst in the kitchen and then wipe it dry with the kitchen table-cloth. Don`t forget to smile when serving their plate to them!
Monday, September 08, 2003
I decided to treat my girlfriend to a meal at a Greek restaurant on my day off. It was a great meal with excellent service and eventhough I could just about afford the bill, I gave the waiter a very good tip. If I can tip on my wages there is no excuse why other customers can`t. People that can`t afford to tip shouldn`t eat at fancy restaurants. They wouldn`t have to worry about tipping at McDonalds!
Sunday, September 07, 2003
Forgive me for I have done the unthinkable, I have punished a good tipper. Let me explain, I received an order from a regular non-tipper and once in my car I added some urine to their food. However, when I arrived I saw that they had some guests round for dinner. Being the scum that they were, they let their guest pay for the delivery meal. Their guest was very generous and offered me a £5 tip! There wasn`t anything I could do but hand over the urine flavoured meal. I did feel guilty for the rest of the night and I`m still not over it but I realise that mistakes are going to be made in the fight against scum. Even Spider-man has mistakenly fought against good people. I will try to learn from my mistakes.
Saturday, September 06, 2003
I`ve noticed that a certain customer only tips every third visit thus ensuring that he doesn`t get added to my list of non-tippers. Either it`s extremely coincidental or he`s been reading this blog! Lucky for him I stick to a strict code of conduct and I laid the rules so I`ll have to stick to them. Not so lucky for my first non-tipper tonight though; I picked a couple of scabs from my face and added it to their soup.
Friday, September 05, 2003
A table of non-tipping scum came to eat at the restaurant tonight. After I prepared their drinks, I wet my thumb under the tap and dipped it into a full ashtray at the bar. Then I dipped the ashened thumb into the drinks. It is important that the thumb is wet before dipping it into the ash because this will ensure that more ash is picked up and also that the ash is damp and will sink when applied to the drink. Otherwise you will find that the ash will float on the drink and you will have quite a task trying to hide it.
Thursday, September 04, 2003
A fairly quiet night for non-tipping scum. So when one finally made an order I decided to give them my special toe grit treatment. What you do is open their box of rice and take off one of your socks. With your index finger begin to rub the gap between your big toe and your second toe. You will find that this produces a black grit which you should then sprinkle into the rice and mix. Tomorrow another fine recipe from the Masked Waiter!
Wednesday, September 03, 2003
I took a couple of used cotton buds to work tonight, ones that had been used to clean my ears. I tend to use each bud a few times until the cotton end is coated in yellow wax before I dispense with it. Not long into the night before I encountered my first scum. I opened up their carton of soup and stirred the contents with my cotton bud. I noticed that the bud came out less yellow than it was when it went into the soup.
Tuesday, September 02, 2003
I came across a formidable adversary tonight, the new arch enemy of the Masked Waiter. It began when I received a large delivery order. Everything seemed to be ok, the guy making the order was very polite, he even gave me clear instructions on how to get to his address. However, when I arrived at the address there was no answer at the door. Then the woman next door saw me and said that I was the 4th delivery person that day. I realised that I had been duped by a bogus caller. A very good prankster who had worked everything out being putting his scheme to action. You win this round Bogus Caller but I have a feeling that I have not heard the last from you and next time I will be ready!
Monday, September 01, 2003
Signs that you are not going to get a tip:
1. The scum asks for a VAT receipt.
2. The scum asks you if you have any change when handing you a note.
3. The scum pays by cheque.
4. The scum pays you from a jar of loose change next to their door.
5. The scum gets their kids to give you the money at the door.
6. The scum looks around the house for the odd coins to make working out their change easier.
7. The scum at the door shouts back to his mates to tell them how much he wants from each of them.
8. The scum orders the bare minimum required for a free delivery.
Sunday, August 31, 2003
Added 2 scums to my list of non-tippers tonight. Dealt with another by taking a mouthful of chowmein, chewing it for a bit and then spitting it back into the box. Also took a chip from their meal and wiped my nose on it.
Saturday, August 30, 2003
You may think that I want to scare all customers away from restaurants. Well that`s wrong! I just want to make them appreciate the good service waiters give and not to be rude. We work unsociable hours, get poorly paid, and have to put up with being spoken to like shit! We are waiters, not slaves! The Masked Waiter is watching out for all poorly abused waiters. I will train you all to fight back and hopefully put an end to rude customers around the globe. We will prevail!
Friday, August 29, 2003
A good night for mischief because it`s starting to get dark earlier plus there was quite a lot of rain tonight. I prefer to work in the dark because I can open and spit in the scums` meals in my car without having to worry about being seen. When we were having quite bright evenings a week or so ago, I had to park my car in quiet dead end roads to do my deed.
So why do I like rain? Well a certain scum ordered a delivery tonight and after a heavy shower, there were puddles everywhere. I opened up one of his boxes and took out a king prawn. Then with my car door slightly ajar, I dipped it into the puddle by the pavement and placed it back into the meal.
Thursday, August 28, 2003
Do you remember Mr Flied Lice? Well he ordered another delivery tonight. Before I tell you what I did to his order, let me tell you about the left-over box. In the kitchen, we keep an empty ice-cream container in which we empty all the customers` left-overs. What I did was took a teaspoon of this swill and add it to one of Mr Flied Lice`s dishes.
Wednesday, August 27, 2003
That break was just what I needed. I had more time to think about taking on a sidekick. Then I thought to myself; "why not just train any budding masked waiters through this weblog?" My first lesson to you is to remember not to go too far with your act of retribution. We just want to teach people to be generous and respectful more to others, we don`t want to cause them any physical harm! A bit of dirt or spit won`t harm anyone, but don`t go using anything poisonous.
Sunday, August 24, 2003
I dealt with some non-tipping scum tonight by scratching my balls and then using a toothpick to scrape the grime from under my nails into their delivery order.
I have to go to bed early tonight because I`ve got the bank holiday off and I`m going away for the next couple of days. Have to get up 6.30am so I can`t spend too long on this blog! See you when I get back Monday night!
Saturday, August 23, 2003
I`ve been thinking, most famous crime-fighters have sidekicks. Batman had Robin, Sherlock Holmes had Doctor Watson, and the Lone Ranger had Tonto. I have thought about training up one of the waiters at the restaurant to be my sidekick. I`ve even been coming up with superhero names for him. Two of the best ones were the Dumb Waiter and the Spit! I`ve already taught him only to open doors for tippers. Don`t know if he`s good sidekick material yet.
Friday, August 22, 2003
Some non-tipper dared to complain that the chips were too soft and demanded to have another bag delivered. The chips were soft because you don`t tip and hence you are at the back of the queue when it comes to the order of who I deliver to first! Earlier I already squirted some urine in one of their dishes on the first visit. When I got into my car with the new bag of chips I emptied half the chips onto my car mat and then put them back into the bag. If not crispy enough for them, it should be crunchy enough with added grit!
Thursday, August 21, 2003
A non-tipping couple came in to eat at the restaurant. When they ordered their drinks, I picked up the wet cloth we use for wiping down the table surfaces and squeezed it over their drinks. Not too much, just a thimble-full so as not to be discovered by the taste. Later on, they ordered the same drinks again so I prepared the special drinks for them as before.
Wednesday, August 20, 2003
A funny thing happened on one of my deliveries tonight. I rang on their doorbell for a good 10 minutes but there was no answer. Then I noticed that the window at the front was open. I looked through and saw that there was a fat guy asleep on the sofa. I shouted and tapped on the window but he didn`t even flinch! Then his neighbour came out to see what all the shouting was about. When I explained that I was trying to wake the customer up she told me that he had left the back door open and that I could go through her garden to get access. So I went through her garden, through his back door, and ending up standing next to him at his sofa. First I called out to him, then I tapped his shoulder, and eventually I shook him quite violently! After a minute of rocking him back and forth, he eventually woke up. I couldn`t believe someone could sleep so deeply. If the shaking hadn`t worked, I did contemplate pinching his nose!
Tuesday, August 19, 2003
In the news today, I heard that smoking has been banned in all the Pizza Hut restaurants around the UK. I think this is a good move and I hope it becomes compulsory in all restaurants. It`s particularly difficult for waiters because we can`t choose to just serve in the non-smoking part of the restaurant and if the manager decides to not have non-smoking section there is nothing we can do about it. I`m not a smoker but at the end of a busy weekend I feel like I`ve smoked a couple of packs of cigarettes!
Monday, August 18, 2003
Some of you may be wondering if there are any benefits from tipping me. You all know how I deal with non-tippers but do good tippers get preferential treatment? In short, yes they do. Just as I have a non-tipping list, I also keep a list of my best tippers. These good citizens will always get their orders delivered before anyone else, will always get the extra bottle of free beer, and will always get service with a smile. So please tip, you know it makes sense!
Sunday, August 17, 2003
I was taking a delivery order on the telephone tonight and the caller was trying to be funny. He ordered "flied lice". (Like it`s such an original joke!) I gave him a chance to redeem himself by asking him to repeat that and he said "I said flied lice can`t you understand!" No Mr Flied Lice I understand you all too well. After putting in the order I went into the store room with a paper bag and approached the electric fly killer hanging in the corner. I looked in the tray, picked out the oldest looking fly corpse, popped it in the bag and waited for the order to be delivered.
In the car, I began to crush the fly corpse in the bag. Since it was quite dry and brittle the body was easily crushed into a powder. I opened up their box of fried rice and emptied the fly seasoning into it. After stirring in the contents, I delivered the order to our resident comedian. Well he did ask for a flied lice! I`ll just have to find him some lice next time!
Saturday, August 16, 2003
There was a beggar sat near the restaurant this evening. Everyone was just doing their best to ignore him. I decided to smuggle out an empty tin container and everytime a non-tipper ordered, I emptied some of their food into the container. When it was filled I gave it to the beggar who was quite appreciative.
Friday, August 15, 2003
I`ve been reading up on a few websites about tipping and I`m quite surprised at the different amounts tipped around the world. Here in the UK I am very grateful to get 10% but I`ve noticed that in the USA they expect at least 20%! In fact I am grateful to receive any amount however little. Even a customer who will only tip me 10 pence will not end up on my non-tippers list. It would take a very persistent non-tipper to end up on my list. So anybody who ends up on that list deserves everything they get!
Thursday, August 14, 2003
Some idiot of a customer phoned up to cancel a large delivery order just as I was ready to set off with it. I asked them why and the guy had a go at me! Now we`ve had people cancel their orders before and for good reason, for instance there was a case of a customer`s wife who was about to go into labour. He was very appologetic and we didn`t mind at all. I wouldn`t have minded had tonight`s customer had the courtesy to explain why, or even if he had called earlier so we could`ve stopped the chefs in time. Anyway, I`ve got all his details and next time I`m out I`ll be putting up his number in phone boxes for gay sexual services. Don`t customers realise we keep all their details?!
Wednesday, August 13, 2003
Scum who don`t usually tip:
1) Rich people. The wealthier the more stingy.
2) Women. Unattached women are generally ok, it`s the ones with boyfriends or husbands who feel they don`t have to tip.
3) Students.
4) Ethnic minorities. Bet you never thought I`d say that, but it`s true!
5) Fat people. The more obese the meaner they are.
6) People living in council property. I can`t understand why people who can`t afford to tip have such expensive taste!

People who have most probably eaten a waiter`s bodily secretion in their meal:
1) See list above.

Tuesday, August 12, 2003
A non-tipper ordered a bottle of coke which i duly shook before handing it over to them. Apart from that, there wasn`t much else to report. A quiet night all around. Wonder how Spider-man passes away the time when there`s not too much going on his rounds?
Monday, August 11, 2003
On this my day off I`d like to broaden your horizons a bit by giving you some restaurant trivia. Do you know what the spinning round tables in restaurants are called and why they are so-called? Well they are called Lazy Susans and in the days before they were invented, people were served their meals by maids. Susan was a common name among servants at the time and the reason for the "lazy" part of the name is quite obvious.
Sunday, August 10, 2003
I had no choice but to add a pound onto all the non-tippers` bills tonight because my financial situation is getting desperate. My debts are beginning to build up. It`s not something I`m proud of. I would prefer to teach them a proper lesson by messing with their food but I need to survive!
Saturday, August 09, 2003
Just one non-tipper tonight and she happened to be chinese. However, the Masked Waiter is not racially discriminate and action was taken against her. I shook some flakes of dandruff into one of her dishes.
Friday, August 08, 2003
I found a nail on the street and it gave me an idea. My regular non-tipper ordered again tonight so after giving him his order, I took out the nail and wedged it under one of his car tyres so that the point was sticking into the underside. He`ll get a puncture as soon as he backs his car out of his drive. I might even buy a packet of nails for future usage.
Thursday, August 07, 2003
Since starting this weblog I have tried to be more inventive with my methods of punishment to keep the diary interesting. However it is getting harder to come up with new methods. Tonight I took out a spare rib from a non tipper`s order and tapped it on the sole of my boot.
Wednesday, August 06, 2003
I emptied some of the soup that a non-tipper had ordered and then filled it up again with my spit, which was quite a feat considering the hot weather was making me thirsty and parched. There was also an elderly woman who ordered a delivery. She explained that she lived on her own and was quite chatty. Eventhough she didn`t tip me I did not put her on my list. I do have my own principles!
Tuesday, August 05, 2003
I delivered to a particularly obnoxious customer tonight, not only a non-tipper but also someone with an attitude problem. They would always complain about the meal being too expensive but then they would order again and again! So before I arrived at the address, I checked the correct amount of change I would need to give them and got it out ready. Then I wiped my arse with the notes and stuck the coins down my briefs. Funny but his moaning about the price never bothered me tonight!
Monday, August 04, 2003
Spent my day off with my girlfriend who doesn`t know about my alter-ego. It`ll be too distressing for her to discover what I`ve been up to at night. Not that I`m ashamed of my work as the Masked Waiter, in fact I`ve never been more sure of what I want to do. There are always going to be some people who disapprove of what I do. I guess in that sense I share the same burdens as Spider-man. It would also be a danger to my family if my identity were uncovered, that`s why I must remain masked.
Sunday, August 03, 2003
Every Saturday, we get a free magazine with our newspaper. It`s usually filled with tv guides and celebrity gossip. However, I love it because it`s laden with mail order advertisments. Most of them are "send no money now" offers, which means you basically send them your details and they`ll send you their wares on a free trial basis. If you don`t want the goods then you have to send it back to them by the deadline, plus it`s not usually freepost! What I do is I cut out all these advertisments and then fill them in with details of my worse offending customers and then send them off.

Saturday, August 02, 2003
Saw that gang of kids from yesterday walking past the restaurant several times tonight. However I was surprised to see that they were quite well behaved and didn`t cause any trouble. I`d expected some kind of retribution for yesterday but it didn`t happen. I guess it was probably down to the fact that I walked away and no harm was really done.

Friday, August 01, 2003
I had a run in with some kids on my delivery rounds. One of them tried to be mouthy to me and I turned to confront him. He immediately appologised and then his mate thought he would have a go, challenging me to a fight! There was probably around 6 of them and they were aged between 10 and 16, but I didn`t feel in any danger at all. Problem was, if I hit any of them I`d get arrested by the pigs. However, if I didn`t teach them a lesson, they would get cocky and try it on again in future. My rage got the better of me and I went to confront the cocky kid challenging me to a fight. Funny how he kept saying he was up for any action but at the same time he was backing away as I neared! Then one of the girls stepped in and started shouting at me to back off. I couldn`t really do much since she was shielding her boyfriend. I walked away which probably saved me from getting arrested. However I couldn`t help getting annoyed at myself all night!

Thursday, July 31, 2003
I couldn`t believe the police stopped me for driving at 35mph in a 30mph zone! Eventhough they just gave me a caution, I felt that they were just trying to flex their muscles so to speak. The real criminals get away with murder and the pigs as we call them in the UK, harass the innocent members of the public!
One of my delivery customers gave me two £20 notes accidently tonight. I knocked on her door and returned her extra note which she was extremely grateful for. Made me feel pretty good too!
Wednesday, July 30, 2003
I witnessed some idiot backing his car into someone else`s parked car. Then they proceeded to drive off thinking that no-one would notice. I jotted his number plate down and left a note on the windscreen of the victim`s car informing them of the hit and run incident.
Back at the restaurant, one of my regular non-tippers ordered a delivery. You will remember them as the one I placed a huge bogey in their chow mein on the 14th. I scratched the top of my scalp and plucked out a white stone-like secretion. This was then mixed into one of their dishes. Add a drop of spittel for luck!
Tuesday, July 29, 2003
It was business as usual tonight, I had to deal with 2 non-tippers on my delivery rounds. In one order I used the old urine squirt which had been fermenting in its plastic bottle for a good 3 weeks now! For the second I squeezed a spot on my nose into their chicken dish. I had to stir the blood and pus into the sauce so that it wouldn`t be so noticeable. There was also one new entry into my non-tipper list. Seems like I got back from my holiday just in time!

Monday, July 28, 2003
Well I`m back from my holiday and I`m feeling refreshed. I`ve noticed that customers from other countries are much more polite than the English. Even the children seem much more disciplined. I think it`s down to the yob mentality of our nation. The media seems to champion those who are seen to be yobs. Those who are moral are deemed as too boring. It`s a shame because this used to be a nation famous for its gentlemen.
Tuesday, July 22, 2003
I had to deliver an order to one of the non tippers on the list. Once in my car, I took out my spare receipt book and rewrote their bill making sure to add an extra pound onto the total. Some customers do work out the total themselves and have questioned my total. I just tell them that there must be a mistake with the bill and appologise for the error. However I would say 99% of customers don`t check their bills and just pay whatever I tell them!
I will be on holiday for a week and will be going abroad. I will see you in a week`s time and remember to be polite to your fellow man!
Monday, July 21, 2003
Day off today.
Let me tell you about eat-all-you-can buffets... don`t try them! Most of the food which is unfinished is re-used again, and that includes any on your plate! So if you have to go to one, make sure that they are a very busy establishment because at least you won`t have as much left-overs!
Sunday, July 20, 2003
Happy to report that tonight was one of those rare nights when there were no rude customers at all and everyone left a tip. Eventhough I do get some pleasure from dishing out my special form of punishment to rude customers and non tippers, I do prefer nights like tonight when the Masked Waiter is not really needed. I can`t understand why every night can`t be like this! Well done all you fine diners! I salute you!
Saturday, July 19, 2003
There is a supermarket next door to our restaurant and during their breaks the staff stand outside our door to smoke. The thing that annoys me is that they just throw the cigarette ends and packets on the ground. They finish work before I do so I waited till they had closed up the supermarket and all left. I took out 3 empty beer cans and stamped them flat. Then I kicked them under the slight gap under the supermarket doors. That should teach the litter bugs a lesson!
Friday, July 18, 2003
I recognised a couple who walked in to eat at the restaurant. They had been in before and sat for ages, I remember waiting at least 45 minutes after closing time for them to leave. The annoying thing was they came into the restaurant early in the evening! Plus they didn`t even tip! I think they were looking for somewhere to just sit and chat.
Well, tonight I was serving them! As soon as they walked through the door, I directed them to the table by the front door so they would get the customers walking past them every 5 minutes! The man asked if they could have the corner table. "I`m afraid that`s reserved" I lied! In the kitchen, I wiped my sweat (from my armpits) onto their plates before serving it to them. I even managed to flick some flakes of ear wax into some of their dishes.
Then a group of young men entered the restaurant. They were a bit noisy but quite harmless. I sat them right next to the annoying couple! With all the noise and swearing going on next to them, the couple finished their meal and asked for the bill straightaway! Mission accomplished!
Wednesday, July 16, 2003
Remember that wanker who took the mickey out of me on Friday? Well I went back there under the cover of darkness which meant I had to go back after work. Us superheroes have to do a bit of overtime now and then. I got out my tube of superglue and squirted a few drops onto his windscreen. I did think about putting it all over the bodywork but I thought that might be a bit extreme for a bit of name calling. He`ll be able to remove the glue from the windscreen with a bit of effort. One thing I can`t stand it`s racism. He`s no better than a hooligan!
Tuesday, July 15, 2003
It`s amazing how much a bogey looks like a piece of beansprout! I delivered an order to a regular non-tipper. I had dropped enough hints and warnings to this customer but they were one of the most stubborn I have ever met! I opened up their order and found that they had ordered a box of chow mein. I picked my nose and pulled out one huge green bogey! I placed it on the top of the noodles and found that it was impossible to distinguish it from a beansprout head. I didn`t even need to disguise or hide it from view!

Monday, July 14, 2003
What does the Masked Waiter have in his car to help him in his adventures? Well today I`m going to spill the beans! I`ll start with the items that you`ve already seen me use; like a tube of superglue. There are so many uses for this you`ll be amazed. Equally important is to always have a spare receipt pad and pen. I use this to take notes of addresses of new non-tippers and also to re-write certain receipts. I`ve mentioned my infamous non-tippers list, but I also have a few extra copies of it in my car. The reason? I sometimes deliberately leave a copy near the front door of a fairly fresh non-tipper. This will let them know that I do keep a list of non-tippers. I don`t like to take drastic action on a name that has just been entered onto my list, I tend to give them a second chance.
I also keep sachets of laxatives which I package myself. You also know about my bottle of urine which I need to refill every month or two. A box of wet wipes is essential for cleaning your hands after messing around with the customers` meals. That`s all for now, I`ll see you tomorrow.
Sunday, July 13, 2003
A group of 8 customers came into the restaurant tonight; 4 adults and their 4 kids. The adults decided to sit on their own table and have the kids sit at the next table. I was serving the meal to boths table and I noticed that the kids were pouring soya sauce into the salt and pepper pots. The adults at the next table were oblivious to their antics. It was time for the Masked Waiter to take action!
On my next delivery I took out a small sachet of powdered laxative from my car and slipped it into my pocket. Back at the restaurant I waited and waited for the kids to order another round of drinks. After half an hour of waiting I decided to go up to them and ask them if they wanted anymore drinks. This little trick works everytime and they ordered some more soft drinks. I went to the bar and poured out their drinks. Then when no one was looking, I poured some laxative into each glass. Always good to teach a group of bratty kids a lesson!

Saturday, July 12, 2003
Do you remember I mentioned my special powers? Well I had to use it last night. Another night another non-tipper. I opened up their box of fried rice and began to ruffle my hair over the meal. You see, my special power is that I have a neverending amount of dandruff! No matter how often I wash my hair, I can produce dandruff, lots of it! And the size of the flakes are huge. I transformed that plain fried rice to a special fried rice!

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